We have many policies regarding many things, here are just a few of them. If the words are too big to understand, we apologize. There is unfortunately a practical limit as to just how far we can dumb things down.

Guarantee

When our products are purchased directly from us, we will back them with a “100% satisfaction guarantee”*. It “is”** as simple as that. We will assist, often gladly, once you have purchased our product with “any” product-related need or concern. We are available by toll-free email 9am through 4pm eastern daylight time (year round) Monday through Friday. Please allow 48-72 business hours*** for a response.

Return Policy

To return a product, just use our contact page form to request a Forward Unaccepted Compliance Karat, form-U (FUCK-U). You will receive laboriously detailed instructions for returning what unused portions of your product exist, so we may refund the difference and repackage them for sale. Other terms and conditions that will severely limit your ability to return the product will apply, but you’ll be notified of them in detail upon your attempt to make such a return.

Refund Policy

If you are not satisfied with your direct purchase, we will refund the product price, less shipping, handling, and pro-rate for portions used. You will be solely responsible for return shipping, which we require to be no less than overnight, return-receipt-requested, certified mail.

Shipping and Handling

Our rates are as follows:

Canada: Packages shipped from our US warehouse to Canada are charged a flat shipping and handling rate of $9.95 (US), $8.95 (CA).

US: Shipping and handling rates for packages shipped to a U.S. zip code vary depending on which product you purchase and the quantity you choose. The amount of shipping and handling for all products is shown on the product information and order form pages of our website. Remember, shipping and handling are only $4.95 when you join our Preferred Customer Plan, and that’s a spendy bitch to buy off on, yo!
Outside Canada and the US: Shipping and handling to all countries other than the U.S. and Canada, is $124.95, no matter how much you buy, what you buy, who you are, what diplomatic authority you claim, who you know, or what German print newspaper you claim to write for, Jason.

Sales Tax

Due to complicated interstate tax regulations, and our temporary desire not to assert what state we’re doing business in, we are not charging sales tax on any order. If any sales tax is due, we will pay for it on your behalf****.

* Satisfaction is not meant to be taken in the literal, traditional sense. This only applies to order fulfillment, correct shipping and billing, not to effectiveness of product.
** “Is” is a term that has yet to be legally defined, and should not be taken to have any meaning.
*** May substitute business days in lieu, depending on capacity, weather related outages, acts of God or any other reason unforeseen or obscene.
**** Or you may be notified at any later date of the amount due by you to your state treasurer with or without notice, with or without interest and penalties, and with or without any criminal culpability.